Just thinking.

My thought for the day: Here's to the future because I am done with the past! This is my current wallpaper on my iPod. It is my motivation for the week. Which of course has me thinking. Changing eating habits is a lot like trying to quit smoking or drugs. In fact, in some ways it is harder since food is still needed. It isn't just a matter of stopping. You still have to eat. It is changing your whole perception on food. And like quitting drugs or alcohol it is tough. You need a support system. You need a plan. You need to be prepared to fail and get back up.

This week my plan was to use my new menu and grocery list from e-mealz. I bought groceries this evening and am looking forward to staying on track this week. I plan to get back to walking and aside from any crazy weather, I have a week with no distractions from that goal.

I want to see the glass as half full instead of my normal half empty. Some people can just do this weight loss thing like it nothing more difficult than changing the channel on the tv. For me, it is hard work. I guess I need to change the channel in my head from the I can't to the I can channel. I do wish I had a bit more of a support group. That was the plus side to going to weight watchers. I could believe that all those people there were my support system. Power in numbers and all.

All over the place

I am finding the real world to be a bit of a problem. The fact is that in a perfect world I would be skinny. I would have time to do what I need to get done. I would have my pantry full of things I should have and they would all taste wonderful. However, I do not live in a perfect world. I am having another rough week. 2 of my days will be spent at the VA hospital taking care of my parents. Yesterday I left my house before 7 and didn't get home till almost 6. I then had to go to the store to get stuff to make dinner. I was exhausted. I did not walk. Tomorrow will be more of the same. I am hoping to get my walk in today but the sky seems to be looming over me just daring me to step outside so that it can dump a sea of rain upon my head. I am a person of habit. My routine is important to me and when things throw it off, I am unsettled. Yet, a sane and normal person would look at my life and see nothing but chaos. Trust me, there is a pattern to my chaos and I need it to be that. If only things would go as I want them to all the time. Not like that would ever happen but i could wish for it. I know I could go to my mom's and use the Wii but I feel so exposed. I am tense. I need things to be on my terms in my yard so to be speak. All of these things make this journey a wee bit harder. I am of course trying to change these things but one thing at a time.

2 month update

I have been on this journey now 2 months. So far I have lost right at 12 pounds. It isn't exactly where I wanted to be but it is heading in the right direction. I am happy that I am making some progress. I just need to keep the momentum alive!

I have noticed that I do better with a weekly menu. When left to wing it, I make wrong choices. With that said, as soon as have the money in the bank (it is on the way) I am going to sign up for e-mealz.com. Meredith told me about it and I am actually quite excited. It gives you dinner plans for the week with a grocery list and the savings. It looks really easy and I think it is something that will help a lot. It should help my wallet and my waistline at the same time and that is a really cool thing and it is only $5 a month!

This week I will be walking in the afternoons instead of the mornings. I have got to take my dad to the VA twice this week and that will make it difficult to walk in the morning but thats O.K. I enjoy the warm air and the sun of the afternoon. I wish I could run a bit but while my brain wants to run my body is quite disagreeable to the idea. Hopefully, as the weight comes off, that will change.

Today's question is "Will I be defeated or will I defeat this?"
Someone pointed out that I sounded defeated in my last post. To be honest, I felt it. I knew this would be a journey. I knew there would be up and downs. I just feel like right now there are more downs than ups. I don't want to be defeated. I want to be the victor.
I was flipping through the channels yesterday and some whack job infomercial guy caught my attention. Well, more like something he said. He basically said that eating is very much the same as balancing a check book. When you overeat you bankrupt your body and your mind. This for some reason really struck me. The cycle of overeating/bad food choices plus lack of activity has left me physically and mentally bankrupt. I have cheated myself of opportunities. I have chiseled away at my self-esteem and self-worth. I am working to breaking this cycle.

Today I am not defeated! Everyday is a new day to defeat this mess I have created. One day at time. One day I will look back on these moments and know that it was because of these times that I made it.

This week has not gone so well for walking. Yesterday, I was dealing with Britt and her toothache and dentist appointment and the day got away from me. I woke up this morning to rain. It just never ends. I still cannot find my workout dvds from when we moved in here. I hate to have to buy them again. Well, right now that isn't an option. I am rather frustrated right now. I am so tired of my weight being a battle. I am sick of all the distractions. It is so difficult when your income fluctuates as much as ours is right now. Simple things like keeping groceries on hand is taken for granted. I could go work on the Wii at mom's but I prefer to not have eye witness to such an attempt.

O.K. I will stop whining for now.

Its such a good feeling to know your alive

I woke up this morning with an awful pain in my back. I am not sure what that is all about but with this beautiful weather I was not about to pass up my morning walk. I need to be outside. The air feels so amazing. I just feel so alive out in the sun. I am going to try to get in an evening walk as well. I find it funny how a little thing like weather can so dramatically affect my mood and spirits. I guess I am just not cut out for dreary weather. Even if I love the sound of rain. I need sunshine. For me losing weight is so much easy this time of year. I hope the numbers reflect that in the coming weeks.

Hiding Places

Hello again!
Where have I been you ask? Well, to be honest, I have been hiding. Hiding from me. Hiding from you. Hiding from the world. I feel so alone in this. My struggle just isn't about weight. It is about a lot of things. My self image. My self worth. I want to do this but doing it alone is difficult and scary. So what do I do as I feel the loneliness creep in? I isolate myself. I do realize on some level that this makes no sense but yet I find myself repeating the pattern over and over. I am so afraid of failure that I don't try. I am so afraid of rejection that I don't allow anyone in. All these things contribute to my weight and health issues. I see them. I recognize them. The question is am I willing to do something about it? I know that I want to.

I did get up and walk today. Not long or far since Mother Nature has felt the need to rain on my parade this morning but I went. I knew that if I didn't that tomorrow it would be even easier to say "Not today".

To be honest, I don't know where I am at. I am so overwhelmed by the task at hand. But, I am still trying. I am still here.